Not the Same Ol’ Story

By now you’ve read the Washington Post’s profile of Helena Andrews, the blogger whose upcoming memoir (can you have one of those at 29?), “Bitch is the New Black” has already been optioned as a film. There’s room for volumes of cultural critique of the WaPo’s portrayal of her travails in love and life but I’ll leave that to other writers. I have my opinions but it’s best to at least wait until her book comes out before I sharpen the skewering tools.

Still, weeks after the WaPo ushered Andrews in as the new poster girl for the accomplished, black and lonely in the DMV (that’s the District, Maryland & Virginia to the uninitiated), I’m just figuring out why it left such a bad taste in my mouth. What most bloggers have missed is context — not the kind that would shed light on Andrews’ book — but the kind that would shed light on where she stands relative to the legions of single, overachieving African-American women her book and movie will paint with a broad brush.

Andrews is making a major splash for herself via a yet-unpublished book about her misadventures as a single Black woman in Chocolate City. In the process she’s set to become the MSM’s standard bearer for millennial single Black women. The problem is that even in a world where people with good sense realize that African-Americans are not a monolith, Andrews’ worldview and experiences are anything but normative for most African-American women.

Her PoliticsDaily essays are stellar examples. In one, she writes of growing up the daughter of a single lesbian and of being the only black girl in a lily-white community. In another, she recalls rocking a pendant of two small feet — a known pro-life symbol — “not because I knew what the feet meant…but because, being black and knobby-kneed, I wanted nothing more than to disappear into that crowd of blondes.”

This is the woman whose entry into the pop culture arena is a declaration that Bitch is the New Black? Perhaps it’s her new Black, but it ain’t that for any of the black women who raised me, for whom I acted as big brother and protector, who I have befriended or dated — and I guarantee you that’s a diverse group.

Don’t get me wrong: I get why Andrews’ book hold such appeal. It’s just not the same reason most people think. The topic about lonely, successful black women has been written about for so long that it’s hard to imagine anyone making a bestseller out of something so cliche. The appeal, at least to her publisher and Hollywood, is that in Andrews they’ve found perhaps the truest example of what Malcolm Gladwell wrote about in Outliers: an anomaly who looks enough like the norm that they stand to typify a group whose commonalities they defy.

That’s a shame, wrought with the kind of racial and identity politics that folks like to pretend don’t influence decisions about what books and movies get green-lighted in the age of Obama. But it’s a real shame, nonetheless. Hollywood is still obsessed with finding voices through which it can slice Black life into pieces digestible by a mainstream hungry for cliche. In Andrews’ memoir and coming screenplay, there’s a good chance they’ve found the ingredients.

Keith Reed edits the educaiton magazine Catalyst Ohio, discusses personal finance at keithreedsmoneycorner.com, and has written for Essence, Ebony, Uptown and TheRoot.com.

Bad Photoshop + Chris Brown + Popped Collars= Low Budget

Hayden Christensen, Idris Elba, and Michael Ealy….hell I’ll even throw in Paul Walker, should have a serious talk with the duche responsible for green lighting all marketing materials for the new “Takers” film.

Originally entitled “Bone Deep,” the film is about a group of thieves whose detailed and successful robberies come to a halt due to a determined detective whose objective is to bring them to justice.

The intern who photo shopped TI and Paul Walker’s head on  this poster gets kudos for effort.

The marketing department, not so much

INTERN: It’s a recession! Take what you can get! I just need this for my portfolio Suckas!

MARKETING DEPARTMENT: Well, lets just release the poster anyway. Chris Brown’s cornball pose alone makes it worth throwing darts at.

This is an old photo from way back when poppin’ collars were the trend. But some folks have not gotten the memo.

[Memo reads] Poppin’ 1 collar is just as ridiculous as 4. Lets get back to civility and fold down the collars fellas.

Betty Says

So, many of you have been wondering who is the chick with the pinky ring? Well, her name is Betty and she is fired up about the lack of home training some of these privileged folk have been displaying. So listen up y’all Betty’s got something to say:

So far, September has been a month of public outbursts, tirades, embarrassment and overall bitchassedness from some of America’s high profile people.  It’s unacceptable that America’s finest are carrying on like they don’t know what manners and decency are.

September 4, 2009 – University of Orgeon vs. Boise State

Violator: LeGerette Blount, University of Oregon

Dear LeGerette Blount,

Football is an exciting game and it is understood that when adrenaline is pumping, competition can get fierce. However, it is not okay to sucker punch your opponent just because he talked trash to you. It’s football. You tackle each other, you talk shit, you score touchdowns and someone has to lose. Unfortunately it was your team that lost, and you decided to respond like a little biatch. Mr. Blount, not only have you been suspended for the remainder of the season during you senior year, but you brought it all on yourself just because someone was teasing you. What a sore loser. Good luck in the NFL draft.

Best wishes,

Betty

September 9, 2009 – President Obama’s Address to the House of Representatives

Violator: Rep. Joe Wilson, SC

Dear Rep. Joe Wilson,

Do you realize that you disrespected the President of the United States? And you had the nerve to say that you “will not be muzzled?” You insubordinate jerk. Even John McCain said that you needed to apologize. I don’t have very many words for you. It’s just funny that you thought you could just get away with doing what you did and not have to apologize. Too bad, you had to say you were sorry anyway.

Warm regards,

Betty

September 12, 2009 – Women’s U.S. Open

Violator: Serena Williams

Dear Serena,

You and Mr. Blount need to go sit in the corner for a while. You’re an athlete. False calls will be made. No, its not fair. Life isn’t fair. But guess what? You get to play a game for a living, and as a result, you get paid a pretty penny to endorse products. And, for the average American who has to get up every morning, go to work at the office or hot warehouse, its not fair to them that you get to get paid to play a game. I’m sure if they had the opportunity to play UNO for a living they would take a false call here and there.

Sincerely,

Betty

September 13, 2009 – MTV Video Music Awards

Violator(s): Kanye West & Lil Mama

Dear Kanye,

Enough already. It used to be funny, but seriously, sit your ass down and shut your mouth. Let other people shine even if only for a moment. Did you really have to interrupt Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech? Now you have given Taylor unintentional exposure. The truth of the matter is Beyonce didn’t need you to speak for her. It’s funny that you did all that ranting and raving and Beyonce won the award of the night anyway. Thankfully, Beyonce (and her camp) represented for Houston by exercising some class by allowing Taylor to finish her acceptance speech during her own acceptance. Even though we wish picture perfect “B” would have had a realistic reaction when the camera zoomed in on her.

Best,

Betty

P.S. Thanks for apologizing on Jay Leno – I must say you actually looked sincere. Looking forward to the next album.

Dear Lil Mama,

Coming on the stage at the MTV Video Music Awards with Jay – Z and Alicia Keys uninvited was just…lame.

Always,

Betty

Snake in The Grass

Aawww Dammn!

Bob Fosse (June 23, 1927 – September 23, 1987) performed a memorable song and dance number in Stanley Donen’s 1974 film version of The Little Prince.

Was Bob Fosse’s 1974  ”Snake in The Grass” character an influence to a certain special someone? Sssssssseeeeee for yourself.

Makes you wonder!

Chris Brown Apologizes

What you’ve all been wating for……….

WE PRESENT TO YOU THE CHRIS BROWN APOLOGY

 

The comments within the video are not of theblvdmag.com.

Our favorite segment of the apology is when he says “Hi, I’m Chris Brown” as if he’s  giving his own PSA.

Houston We Will NOT: A Plea to Stop “The Kim Kardashian”

A cursory visit to YouTube left theblvdmag.com speechless. There is a competition for Houstonians and others to create a dance for the city’s first Dallas era tune, “The Kim Kardashian.” Lil’ Flip’s ode to her, Kim Kardashian is a result of a mixture of the need for “artists” to create a dance to some known chicks name so we can, well, dance. It’s the ugly cousin of Hurricane Chris’s ”Halle Berry” and some of that good ol’ Dallas dude music.

Make no mistake, theblvdmag.com has no issue with Kim Kardashian, and we kind of don’t have an issue with Lil’ Flip, but we do have an issue with said song and dance.

Houston, c’mon, we’re known for making classics. Classics that wannabe “artists” steal for their personal ambitions. June 27 ring a bell anyone? Remember Gangsta’s don’t dance, we boogie, and Boulevardiers don’t do none of that either. So how about you sign this petition and keep the Houston tradition alive.

View the madness below.

(video courtesy of Bossip.com)

…and apparently, these are the winners of the contest below

Editors Note: …We will not? Seems we did

Save the Music

MJ died and the networks have been playing his music videos over and over again. It’s a trip through childhood; a time when programming on television seemed to entertain as well as inform. Everything seemed to inspire and inform the possibilities of what could be; especially music videos. Although it’s no secret that music videos have sucked for quite some time, the proof is now undeniable. From the cinematography, to the choreography, to the models, cable videos takes the viewers on a mindless trip to nothingness . Blame can be placed on the lackluster quality of the music. We’ve been completely inundated with shitty ass music, and now we’re completely tuned out. When songs like the “Stanky Leg” or “Halle Berry” reach the top of the charts on the radio and on music video shows, there’s no wonder why notable music video directors of the past like Paul Hunter, Phillip Atwell, Francis Lawrence, Nzingah Stewart, Brian Barber, and Diane Martel are not on the scene anymore. Sure, Hunter directed Jeremih’s video for Birthday Sex, a song that is annoying at best on first listen, but because of Hunter’s involvement at least he makes the first 30 seconds tolerable.

Not so long ago music videos were something to anticipate. People would watch and talk about favorite segments the next day at school or work. Why? Because they were something to marvel. Choreography matched the plot – what a novel idea – of the video. Think about Michael Jackson’s video for Remember the Time — let along Thriller. Or, they were just captivating to watch, like Aaliyah’s video for Rock the Boat. They stretched boundaries and used innovation like Mark Romanek’s Fiona Apple work.

Now, all we get is a chick shaking her ass to the beat and dudes popping bottles of champagne on each other, which is an entirely different discussion. There is no doubt there is a void that needs to be filled quickly or the young ones who follow behind us will continue this lame trend of mediocrity. It’s almost as if this cycle of stupidity is beyond our control because they all go hand in hand. Look at the Drake video. Kanye directing the video doesn’t make it hot. The comedic value can only be appreciated by an eighth grade pubescent boy.

It’s time to return to a time of creativity in all of our art forms, including the art of the video. We don’t know about y’all, but we’re ready for a reason to be excited about music again, and is it too much to ask for some creative television. Our solution? Support quality artists who put out real music. Take out the time to encourage with not only your attendance, but your dollars.

You are NOT the father!

Liars suck. People lie about so many things that don’t even matter. Some men lie about how much money they have, so they can impress women. Some people lie about where they live, or who they know to boost their ego for whatever reason. Nonetheless, people can lie about almost anything and for the most part it’s not that big of a deal, it just makes the liar look lame once others find out the truth.

The one lie that I just can’t understand is when a woman lies about who the father of her child is. How can one utter those words, knowing the likely hood of a paternity test, and feel good about themselves afterwards? Maybe you are a little promiscuous and you slipped up and had more than one lover in a week. You probably liked one guy more than the other. Soon you find out that you are pregnant and you want to keep the baby. So now what? You can’t connect the dots to figure out which one of these men is the father of your child. Instead of telling both guys you are pregnant and that either man could be the father, you pick the one you want most and tell him, “hey, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.” If he believes you (and he’s smart) he’ll say, “Ok, guess I gotta do what I gotta do…but we’re gonna get a paternity test when the baby gets here.” Moving forward nine months the baby arrives, the “father” of your child gets the results and you all find out the baby isn’t his. WTF?! Seriously? To torture a man through nine months (or more) of emotional stress: arguing and frustration, is selfless and lacks the most common and respected female trait, COMPASSION!

This behavior is beyond comprehension (for me). With the lack of supportive fathers, “baby daddies”, and boyfriends, why would a woman subject herself and child to humility and uncertainty? A man willing and ready to handle his responsibilities despite the fact that each partner is not in a committed relationship is unfortunately a rarity in most cases. What’s the resolution? Where’s the middle ground?  Is there a way for a woman to handle an illegitimate pregnancy without feeling worthless?

Here’s a better idea, when deciding who you are going to have sex with, think about the possibility of having a child with that person. If you cringe at the thought of it, then walk away or else be prepared to be on the Maury show.

Getting AIDS on the job!?

Remember career day in elementary school? You and your fellow classmates may have dressed up as Doctors, Lawyers, Teachers, Nurses, and I even remember one boy who dressed up as a Preacher. No one would think that these promising careers would put you at risk to catching a disease like HIV and/or AIDS.

Well, some people have a different idea of a career and some have chosen to become actors in adult films. They say do what you love and the money will come, well these actors are doing exactly what they love for a living, but at what cost?

The New York Times reports that since 2004, 22 adult film actors had contracted HIV even after an industry effort to protect adult film industry employees. One of the actresses was tested for HIV on April 29th and the results came back negative. On June 4th, a positive test result was confirmed. The woman performed in a film on June 5 “for reasons that the clinic told the newspaper were still under investigation. A second test came back positive on June 6.” (nytimes.com)

“We have an industry that is exposing workers to life-threatening diseases as part of their employment,” said Dr. Jonathan Fielding, director of public health for Los Angeles County. “That is outrageous and anachronistic. These infections are virtually entirely preventable.”(nytimes.com)

Just think about how irritated you are when you catch a cold or something from a co worker – imagine getting AIDS?! So for all of you who are thinking about making career changes think twice. If nothing else, people need to understand how detrimental this disease really is. Wrap it up folks…and keep your day job…

I GOT PLENTY MONEY!

Word on the streets of H-town is the recession is real. Apparently there have been numerous reports of counterfeit twenty dollar bills exchanging hands of desperately seeking VIP’s to club promoters. There have been no arrests yet, but there have been reports of an individual lurking the downtown/midtown area charging $3-$5 for fake $20’s….And folks are winning!

It’s time to start pulling out those markers they use at the grocery store and get to marking those dubs.

Is VIP really that important when Houston has no celebs and the same recycled ball players? No offense to the pro ballers, but how many parties turn into the same old parties based off of sports celebrites? Moving On……check out this event that’s free….save your fake money for downtown!

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