Before I Call You My Boo

There may be no statistical evidence to prove this, but it is widely accepted that November through February is when a disproportionate number of new relationships begin.  Temperamental weather conditions and a slew of commercial holidays make finding a reliable snuggle buddy a top priority for a lot of winter singles.  But be careful.  Sometimes the cold weather can freeze brain cells, and when they begin to thaw we realize that we may have been better off just rolling solo. So, before you get too cozy with the new boo, place your emotions aside for a few minutes and consider asking yourself the following practical questions:

If I lost my job and were unemployed for two months, would I still be able to pay all of my bills on time? If the answer is no, then you need only be in a relationship with one of two people: yourself, or a partner who is okay with sharing the financial responsibilities that come with dating.  If the 2000s taught us anything, it is that bad times can fall on anyone.  Don’t sacrifice a piece of your future in order to satisfy the material needs of someone who may be out of the picture in six months.  Be up front with yourself and your potential partner about your income and expenses.  Keith Wilson, a single, 29-year-old engineer from Houston, stated it best.  “If you aren’t exactly on Diddy status, don’t set a horrible precedent by insinuating through your actions that your pockets are deeper than they are.  Baby girl needs to understand that we are in a recession.”  He’s right.  If he or she cannot accept or appreciate your reality, whether ballin’ or not, then you need to move on.

What am I missing in my romantic life? If your answers to this question suggest that you want to satisfy selfish needs more than you want to fully explore your significant other, you may want to keep your relationship right where it is.  All too often, we pursue relationships because we are looking to fill some type of void.  This is fine in the beginning.  That void is filled and we feel some sense of comfort and accomplishment.  But eventually, the area where you had a void will become less important to you.  Other voids will pop up and you will look to someone else to fill them.  Sarah Greenwalder, a 22-year-old non-profit consultant from The Woodlands offered a grim worst-case scenario for situations such as this.  “Sometimes this void-filling search will happen after the relationship has ended; sometimes it won’t.  I don’t condone cheating, but I’m experienced enough to know that this is one of the main reasons cheating happens.”  In addition to causing infidelity, void-filling is also why some people can’t sustain long-term relationships.  “Commitment-phobes are classic void fillers,” Sarah says.  “They stay in relationships long enough to get their ‘fix,’ and then they get bored, or scared, and move on.”  Avoid this mess by making sure that you’re taking things to the next level because of who the person is, not because of what they can offer you in the short term.

What assumptions have I made about this person? As I stated back in the summer, one of the worst mistakes we make is assuming that our mate has certain qualities simply because we want them to have them.  This leads us to convince ourselves that he or she would not engage in certain behaviors.  It often times is entirely our fault, as we project our wishes to have a near-perfect partner onto them.  Torrance Henderson, a 26-year-old graduate student from Boston, paid dearly for this mistake.  He found out his girlfriend of three months was having threesomes with random weirdos she met off of Craigslist. It left him reeling.  “No offense to anyone who rolls that way, but I don’t get down like that,” he said.  “I was as mortified by the situation as I was upset at myself.  How could I have let someone like this so close to me without knowing who they really are?”  While this may be an extreme scenario to some, there is a lesson in Torrance’s story that can be universally appreciated. Think carefully about what you know about a person and be sure not to fill any holes with baseless hope.  You don’t want your relationship to fail in six months because you let infatuation cloud your senses.

What are your respective relationship ceilings? Are you open to the possibility that he or she may be “the one?”  Do you know whether he or she has long-term plans for the two of you?  You need to know the answer to these questions.  Imagine how horrible it would be if she were including you in her last will and testament while the most you would do is buy her some throwback Dada Supreme basketball shoes with the spinner in the heel.  Yeah.  The two of you absolutely cannot start your relationship on different trajectories.  Don’t end up like Ashley Ngo, a 31-year-old advertising executive from Sugar Land.  “One of my exes was introducing me to everyone in his family just a few weeks after we met.  It was awkward.  I thought he was a great guy, but he just seemed like he was trying to put me on the fast track to marriage.  I wanted a relationship, but he made me feel trapped before we even got going. Not cool.”

If you can ask yourself the above questions and reply with answers that leave you feeling confident in your relationship, then you may be well-positioned to take the next step with your partner.  Otherwise, start the New Year off by celebrating your independence.  Single people can have cuddle buddies and get romantic gifts, too.

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