Dealing With Her Past, Pt. 1

I meet so many men who approach relationships with such naïve trust. I don’t know if it is because they’ve got wool over their eyes, or if it because they choose to be ignorant – either way, it’s dangerous.

[Disclaimer: the following piece is not an “all-women-are liars” bash-fest. It’s simply my heartfelt attempt to provide some much-needed guidance to the wayward men out there].

When it comes to dealing with information about your woman’s past you should always assume the worst.  I cannot stress this enough.  No matter how virginal a woman may seem, you must approach the unknown in the most pessimistic way imaginable. In other words, you’ve got to believe that there is a chance she paid for college by doing favors in the champagne room with a calculus book in one hand and a little blue pill in the other.

Laugh if you will. Call it a defense mechanism if you must. But take heed, because what you are about to read might save your relationship and give you peace of mind.

Some men are completely open-minded when it comes to forgiving past moral indiscretions. That is great. I think that is beautiful because it makes the path to happiness one step shorter. However, most guys have some type of moral disqualifier – a relationship deal breaker, if you will – that causes them to turn away from the finest of the fine. For example, a criminal record,  or a been-around-the-block sexual history may make a guy bid adieu.  Whatever your moral disqualifier might be, it is critical to be prepared to hear the worst. Why? Because when the skeletons come out of your girl’s closet, they can rock you to your core. They can ruin your week and make you question your decision to get involved with her in the first place.  Then, you’re left feeling as though you’ve wasted valuable time – time that you could have spent looking for someone with a less ‘decorated’ background.

If you have difficulty accepting the truth about your woman, you may want to do some self-analysis to identify the root-cause of your emotional reaction.

Now, if your girl has intentionally lied or deceived you, then being an asshole might make you feel better, and the exercise in self-reflection is probably unnecessary.  But, if you can objectively acknowledge that your partner has not lied to or deceived you when asked about her skeletal past, then no ‘surprise’ should be strong enough to destroy your faith in women. Why? Because at some point in the relationship you placed an unreasonable amount of trust in her and set yourself up for failure. In other words, you set the bar at a height she never said she could clear and set unrealistic expectations for your girl and the relationship you both agreed to pursue.

As men, we often have unreasonably high expectations of the women that we fall in love with because to us, purity is perfection. The definition of perfection varies from man to man, but most men have a general sense of how much life experience is too much, too little, and acceptable for the perfect woman. Some seek women with unsullied histories while others prefer women who have just enough ‘experience’ to allow for a common lifestyle.  No matter where you place the bar, once it is set you have to be sure that it stays there. Any significant deviation in either direction can be devastating if we are poorly prepared.

So how do you prepare? First, you have to assume the absolute worst about the unknown and then see if you can deal with it. Then, take all of your partner’s good qualities into consideration.  And finally, accept what she tells you at face value and do not foreclose the untold.

If, for instance, she tells you that she once posed buck naked for an adult magazine, assume that she was in a full-fledged

“Mr. Marcus” video then see if you’re willing to accept that fact.  If after seeing the pictures you decide they are borderline deal-breakers, you may want to start planning an exit strategy. You have to be true to yourself. If some aspect of your woman’s past leaves you right on the fringe of the relationship, then quit while you are ahead – much scarier information could be lurking in your future.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating a lack of trust in relationships. What I’m saying is quite the contrary, actually. The message here is to trust the information that you have and accept the fact that there is information you don’t have. Doing so will help avoid the letdown that comes with receiving troubling information about your mate’s past. Don’t allow yourself to be blind to the possibility that a disappointment will occur – it is inevitable in most cases. Simply acknowledge that your perfect, albeit delusional, expectations of your woman are irrational and keep those expectations from clouding the reality of your relationship. Accept your girl for who she is, and not for the woman you hope she’ll be, and you’ll be one step closer on your path to happiness.

© 2009 – 2010, T. Hughes. All rights reserved by Sub Urban Media Group.